October 31, 2013

I hold you in my heart


I recently learned that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Not long after I learned this I was cleaning out my pictures - my hard drive is at risk of overflowing with pictures of Alice - and found myself caught up in pictures I took last October, like the one above and the one below. I went for long meandering walks last year, walks that led me all over the city. I thought about a lot on those walks, but mostly I thought about babies - the one we had lost and the one we were hoping to have. I had had a miscarriage at 10 weeks the February before, which was gut wrenching and awful, and by October I was lost somewhere in the Trying-to-Get-Pregnant Ocean. (If you're not familiar with that particular ocean, it is a vast and dark ocean, a grizzly expanse of insurmountable waves and unreachable horizons.)

It was a difficult year. In the midst of it I gained strength from the fact that I was struggling, because this - this crappy thing that had happened to me, to us, and the journey to get pregnant again - will be one of the harder things I will have to endure. Somehow owning the struggle made it easier to keep on trudging knee deep through ovulation sticks.

The year was tough, but last October was really tough. I had gone to my doctor at the beginning of the month to check my ovaries and the size of the eggs within. She was optimistic. There was one egg that was larger than the rest. It looked good. I went back a week later. The eggs were all the same size, there was no dominant egg. She didn't think I would ovulate. I shrank into the exam table. We talked about the next steps and she set up an appointment with a fertility specialist for the end of November.

Amidst the tears I came upon this soaring sculpture, her arms outstretched in hopeful surrender. I never went to the fertility specialist. I didn't need to. This is one of those better late than never stories; one of those eggs, perhaps it was the early leader or maybe a late follower, got it's act together and made it's way out of my ovary almost two weeks after that last appointment and I got pregnant. The cycle in which I conceived Alice was not a textbook 28 day cycle, far from it, but it was a cycle nonetheless. For my type-A personality it was a good lesson - things don't always have to go as planned to turn out perfectly.

Now that Alice is here it is easier for me to reflect on the last two years. I'm not a religious person, but I firmly believe that this is the way it was meant to be. Our other baby was just setting the stage for Alice, that s/he was never meant to be here on the outside with us, and those months of trying were just Alice's little egg getting ready to shine on through. Now, looking back, I am grateful for those months, because without them this little girl, who squints her eyes and pulls her hands up to her mouth when she's happy, wouldn't be here.

I have thought about this post a lot over the last two years and hemmed and hawed about whether or not to say anything here. I mulled it over a lot the past few days after learning that October is pregnancy loss awareness month and here's what I decided: not enough people talk about pregnancy loss, and I found that talking to friends who had also had miscarriages to be one of most helpful and hopeful things during my moments of sadness; their stories quieted the "I'll never have a healthy baby" voice that sat like a dark cloud over all my other thoughts. If I can quiet that voice for someone else, just one person, then talking about my miscarriage here on the blog is worth the risk of putting something more private out there in the internet.

But as I write about this here I am all too aware of the women who have struggled longer and harder than I have. My heart leaps out of my chest for them. Maybe you are one of those women and in that case I hold you in my heart, and as the Quakers say, in the light.



Since I'm posting this on Halloween, I couldn't help but share a photo of our little Swiss Miss in the Swiss Alps dressed as an alpine flower. It's amazing how much can change in a year, truly amazing, I am beyond grateful.




18 comments:

  1. Beautiful. That little girl just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter :) xxoo

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    1. Thanks Amanda. So excited for you - the countdown begins!

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  2. Beautiful and touching post, Tal. Brings tears to my eyes. So much love to you and your happy, healthy family!! xox

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    1. Thanks Crem! BIG hug. And thanks for all your support over the last couple years. You are the best. Lots of love!

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  3. Talley, what a wonderful post. First, I love the photo of Alice and the backdrop of "mountains." So creative! Second, I think it is wonderful that you are talking about this and acknowledging how hard it can be to have a baby. I agree that people don't talk about it enough and I think fertility struggles are something more easily handled when you have a support network rather than alone - I know that may not be true for everyone, but it is certainly true for me. Sending hugs from Colorado!

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    1. Thanks Darcy - There's something about trying to have a baby and not getting pregnant that makes you feel broken, but when you realize that there are so many women out there who have been where you are or who are exactly where you are it's so helpful. For me they were the duck-tape that held me together until I got pregnant. Really honestly truly the year would have been much harder than it already was without them. I'm glad you feel the same way I do - that a support network makes all the difference. Sending love your way!

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  4. Your girl is just darling. What a sweet baby. This post is brave and hopeful and honest. Good for you for sharing your story. I know it will be an encouragement to others.

    And I love that sculpture -

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    1. It really warms my heart that you take the time to comment here and boost my spirits. It was a hard post to write and I'm so glad that you and so many others are finding a little something in it.

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  5. Oh Talley, as Susan said, this is a brave post. Thank you for sharing your story. I have been fortunate enough to see all of my pregnancies to full term but before Ella came into this world, I found myself in that dark ocean you described. I was hoping to get pregnant before Ben's first deployment — we tried for about 10 months with no luck — and honestly the best thing that happened to us was his deployment. It was a relief to not have that pressure — I hate to call it that, but that's what it became — and to just focus on other things until he came home, because as you know I am sure, when you want to be pregnant, it's hard to think about anything else all day long until it happens. I found the best thing for me to do was to start talking about it — to start trying to laugh about how we couldn't conceive — with people and to open up and to stop pretending to others that we weren't ready to have a baby just yet but that actually we so so so wanted a baby and were trying very hard at it. Anywho, I know so many of your readers will appreciate hearing your story. It truly is hopeful.

    Also, Alice!! Look at that baby!!

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    1. Ali - you are so nice to share your story here! Really, truly it means a lot to me. It just goes to show that everyone has their own journey towards parenthood, and that a lot of those journeys don't start out all that smoothly. 10 months is a long time - that's about how long it was for me - and it only feels longer with the added pressure and you're exactly right that it becomes pressure. I so appreciate your honesty with others about your struggle and your humorous spin on it. It can become such a heavy guarded topic, when really it should be fun and joyous, even if it's hard and crappy at times. Thank you thank you! Give those three gorgeous kiddies of yours a squeeze for me. xo

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  6. this was so powerful in such a subtle way... thanks for sharing with us, talley. x

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    1. thank you Amy - and thank you for always taking the time to read here, you're so nice.

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  7. talley - thank you so much for sharing this post. as a woman trying to get pregnant for almost a year and finding the struggle incredibly trying, your words have given me hope that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. you are brave to share it. thank you.

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    1. Oh, Katherine, I'm sorry to hear that you are riding out the waves of that dark ocean. It is the worst. That I know. And there's not much that can really make you feel better. But own the struggle and find strength in the fact that this just might be the hardest time in your life. I have no doubt you'll be blessed with little babes - the odds are definitely in your favor - but it just won't be on your time frame. I think that's one of the hardest things, the fact that there is so much in life that we can control and getting pregnant is not one of them. There are so many women who have been where you are or who are there with you now. I hope you can find a few to chat with. I'd be more than happy to email with you about my journey. Sending love your way!

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  8. This is so beautiful and generous, Talley. Thank you.

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  9. I think it's wonderful that you shared your story here, and I'm sure it will touch someone's life who needed to hear it.

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  10. Talley, thank you for this. It must have been hard to share.

    Alice is looking so bright, so lovely.

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  11. Talley - I was so moved by this. I was actually reading your blog aloud to Eleanor (sometimes I can't do another round of "I am a Bunny" and I figure it's good for her vocabulary!), and toward the end I was choked up and a little teary and thinking about how happy I am for you and Zach and Alice and also so sorry for your loss. Eleanor was giving me one her preternaturally wise baby looks like "it's ok, ma, everything turned out good!" and we went on with our day, but I've been thinking about this post of yours for days now and am so glad you shared. Lots of love to you all.

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